Friday, December 12, 2008

A (Hopefully) Humorous Rant

Whoa... posts two days in a row??? When did the planets align and does this mean the End of Days is here?

Well, the end of days thing depends on who you talk to and, as far as I know, the planets have not aligned. So all should be well.

No, this post came into being while I was at the gym yesterday. It's a women-only gym, which is why I chose it. I used to belong to Bally's (when it was Jack LaLanne and let me tell you, they closed my gym down and it took me literally YEARS to get them to cancel my membership - even though the nearest Jack LaLanne's was almost an hour from my house. By the time I succeeded, they owed me two thousand dollars in refunded dues. It was a nice victory, once I finally got it.) and I hated it because the guys there seemed to think that the only reason any women came there was to get hit on. They didn't quite seem to grasp that some of us actually wanted to **gasp** work out.

So, I joined this women's only gym and I love it. It's small and quiet, but with great machines and a good staff and no MuscleBob BuffPants doing his, 'How you doin'?' while I'm sweating my face off on the StairMaster.

Now, I like going to the gym because it's two hours to myself. I plug into my iPod and I'm in the zone and no one bothers me. That's how I like it.

But there was something I noticed today and it bugged me. And the more I thought about it, the more it bugged me even further.

So, I've been thinking about it and here it is, the 10 Commandments of Common Gym Courtesy (ranked in no particular order aside from the order in which I came up with them)

10. Thou shalt not gossip with friends by shouting over the music/instructor/tv -Really, if you need to catch up, go somewhere quiet - like the locker room. Don't make me have to blast my iPod to drown out the sound of your voice and really, no one else wants to know about your stomach flu, or your hemorrhoids or how bad your cramps are. Got that? No. One. Cares. And frankly, it's making some of us feel sick.

9. Thou shalt not use thy cell phone in the workout area - see Commandment No. 1 for the reasons. They're pretty much the same. Really - almost nothing is so important that it can't wait an hour, and if it is that important - what the hell are you doing in the gym anyway??

8. Thou shalt not wear spandex gym clothes if thou does not have the body for them - Mean, maybe, but true. Repeat after me - Just because it comes in my size, doesn't mean I should wear it. Yes, I applaud women (it's a women only gym, remember) who decide to try to exercise more, it takes a lot of guts to begin working out and I'm pretty impressed by your courage and determination. And lord knows, I need to lose a few pounds (which is exactly why I'm there, sweating my face off on the elliptical trainer 3-4 times a week.) That said, please, please, please save the spandex for when you reach your goal weight (as I'm confident you will do!)

7. Conversely, thou shalt not wear spandex if you are in better shape than me - I was feeling pretty good about myself when I left the house this morning. Then I saw Barbie at the gym. Damn. Where are the Oreos??

6. Thou shalt not leave the weight plates on the machines - You know, I have two kids. I spend a lot of time picking up after them. I do not want to pick up after you, gym rat whose name I don't even know. If you use a machine, take the freakin' weights off when you're finished. It's not that difficult and it's pretty damn aggravating when I have to take your weights off in order to put my weights on.

5. Keep thy distance in any aerobics class - I'm not the most coordinated person in the room, so I try to take classes where I don't run the risk of pissing someone off by smacking into them, or throwing off the class (or talking into my cell phone - there are people who do this and you know who you are.) Just be careful. And courteous.

4. Keep thy chit-chat to a minimum during any class - It's hard enough to hear the instructor (damn her in her spandex!) without struggling to hear her over your lame-ass gossip. And again, the TMI?? Keep it to yourself or run the risk of a beat-down with a step-class step.

3. Thou shalt not hog ALL the weights at once - If your routine includes 10lb, 15lb, 20lb, and 25lb weights - there is no need to hoard them all around your bench. Not only does it clutter the area and make it dangerous to walk around, but if you take weights you aren't going to use for the next 20-30 minutes, it's just kind of greedy. I promise you, I will be done with them by the time you need them.

2. Thou shalt not cross between the body in motion and the mirror - Sometimes it's vanity (wow, are these my arms?) but mostly, if you see someone on a bench, doing curls and watching in the mirror, it's that person making sure they're using correct form so they don't get hurt. You'd be amazed how easy it is to hurt a shoulder or your back because you twisted or bent just a little bit weirdly. Not to mention, it can be distracting, which can also be dangerous.

1. Thou shalt wipe down any and all benches thou has used in thy routine - Honestly, do you know how disgusting it is to leave behind a sweaty piece of equipment? The gym is littered (and I mean, literally littered with spray bottles of cleaner and rags - you can't walk 2 feet without falling over one.) It takes about 10 seconds to spray and wipe down a bench or machine. Would you want to sit or lay back in someone else's sweat? EWWWWW!! So take the time and wipe the machine and stop being so lazy. This is the most important of the gym courtesies and you'd be amazed at how many people can't be bothered. Ick.

There you have it, the 10 Commandments of Gym Courtesy.

That is all. You may return to your regularly scheduled life.

1 comment:

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