Monday, July 24, 2006

Surviving The Fam and Other Work-Related Stuff Redux

Ok - it's night and the kids are in bed. DH is just about asleep on the sofa and I am taking a break from rewriting the damn pirates.

Like I said, I went to a family reunion in Pennsylvania this weekend. The drive was about three hours in good weather. I say in good weather because we did not have good weather on the drive out. We had monsoon weather. Typhoon weather. Oh-my-God-what-the-hell-are-we-thinking weather. Someone was giving us a sign and we were too dumb to take the hint. I mean, it was teeming rain so badly I prayed for lightning just so I could see the damn lines on the road. And did I mention DH and I were in separate cars? Stop laughing. I know gas is an arm and a leg, but we needed to bring so much stuff that I learned (a bit too late) I need a bigger SUV. WTF??? I don't want a bigger SUV. I don't even want the one I already own. I am so not into the mom-mobile it isn't even funny. I want a Mustang, but the two car seats will so ruin the whole look. But I digress... Anyway... we get there at almost midnight Friday into Saturday. The kids are exhausted. DH is exhausted. I am beyond exhausted. Everyone goes to bed except me. I need to unwind from four hours of my daughter asking, 'Are we in Pennsylvania yet?' even as we pull into the hotel parking lot. She's cute, but there are times when I wish she'd not express her every thought.

Ok - so here are a few things I learned from this trip:

1. My SUV is too small (see above)

2. My daughter loves to talk - which I normally don't mind, except when I'm trying desperately not to drive off the road and off a mountain (at least I think there was a mountain. I couldn't see and my ears really needed to pop!) It was like driving with a squirrel in the back seat.

3. If I didn't love my husband, I'd have killed him simply because he spent the whole trip listening to what he wanted on the radio and not having to answer why the other people are going to Pennsylvania as well. How the @#$%! should I know where the 6 million other people are going and why should I care??? My mother was right - you DO have kids just like you. Mom - I am so sorry... lift the curse now, please???

4. My husband's family are a wonderful bunch and I love (most of) them to death. But they have no qualms about saying, 'why did you bring 2 cars?' even when they've just heard me answer the same @$%^ question four times already!

5. A single hotel room is not even close to being large enough. Especially with a portable crib as well (and don't even get me started on that! I'm amazed it held up through the first night. I think it was the prototype for the world's first crib!). Especially with a 5 year old and a 9 month old.

6. No matter how close my husband is to the baby, he somehow developes sleep deafness which renders him incapable of hearing the baby's screams, no matter how loud they may be.

7. Said baby will not go to sleep, no matter how tired he is. It apparently takes less energy to scream than it does to sleep. I did not know this. I guess you do learn something new every day.

8. When everyone (baby included) finally does sleep... Mom is guaranteed to be:
a. too hot
b. too cold
c. can't get comfortable
d. kept awake by husband's grizzly snores
e. kept awake by octopus daughter
f. manage to begin dozing, when suddenly faced with urgent need to pee
g. all of the above

9. Pennsylvania does not get the concept of full-service gas stations. They expect you to pump your own!!! Now, I'm from New Jersey. We don't pump our own gas. Our government won't let us. People like to complain that the Government thinks we are too stupid. I happen to agree with government. I do not EVER want to pump my own gas again. I fought with the thing, read and reread the directions a dozen times and still couldn't fill my tank all the way. See??? I am too dumb to pump gas. I will never make another joke about a gas staton attendant ever again. They are wonderful people. The people who want to pump their own gas are crazy. End of story.

10. Family reunions should be held every year. It was great seeing everyone and catching up. We're spread all over the US and it's a grea thing to get everyone together for a weekend, even if I do have to pump my own gas.

I'm sure there is more, but frankly, my fingers are tired and I want to go watch the news. I'm at sea since MSNBC moved Tucker to six. Now I have to watch Bill O'Reilly - which isn't too bad. At least then I know why Keith Olbermann is laughing at him. Keith's my man! Best news on tv and that's that.

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